There is SO much information that can be given about becoming inclusive and affirming, and there are so many resources about it. But before continuing on with some ways you can be inclusive, many people like to know some of the most commonly used terms. I’m going to share terms and definitions that you are likely to come across. For an even more in depth list, you can check out PFLAG National Glossary of Terms or other LGBTQ+ organizations that offer comprehensive terminology lists. It is also important to note that language is constantly changing and evolving. So, read on about allyship through learning and language!

LGBTQ+ Terms and Definitions

• Cisgender: person whose gender identity aligns with those typically associated with the sex assigned to them at birth (ie assigned male at birth and still identify as male)
• Cishet: shortened version of cisgender heterosexual 
• Gender expression: external appearance of one’s gender identity, usually expressed through behavior, clothing, body characteristics, or voice. May or may not conform to socially defined behaviors and characteristics typically associated with being either masculine or feminine.
• Gender identity: One’s innermost concept of self as male, female, both, or neither. Can be the same or different from their sex assigned at birth.
• Intersectionality: overlap of social categorizations or identities such as race, ethnicity, sexuality, gender, disability, geography, and class which exist in an individual or group of people that can contribute to discrimination or disadvantage
• LGBTQ+: lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer, + signifies the limitless orientations and gender identities used by members in the community. Sometimes IA is added to include intersex and agender.
• Non-binary: someone who does not identify exclusively as a man or a woman. Can identify as both, neither, or in between.
• Queer: Often used to express a spectrum of identities and orientations that are counter to mainstream. Was considered to be negative and a slur, but some have reclaimed this word as a term to describe their identity. Not all in the community like or will use this term. It is used when someone self-identifies as queer or you are quoting someone who self-identifies.
• Transgender: umbrella term for people whose gender identity and/or expression is different from sex they were assigned at birth.

Allyship Through Learning and Language

Check Your Words

One of the first ways you can start out by being inclusive and affirming is in fact by checking your website, documents, communications, etc. When I say to check your communications – that also means how you speak to people because often it can be easy to edit what you write and check off the task, but to rethink what we assume about people and how we refer to people can be totally different.

• Do you have/use gendered language in your questionnaires, contracts, posing etc?
• Do you allow for people to self identify?
• On your info/about me page/email signature do you share your pronouns* or have the option for people to share theirs?

Our world, and the wedding industry, are still very cishet normative – that is: the standard or expectation of being cisgender and heterosexual. (You can find a small clip of that in this instagram reel). When looking through advertisements, posts, blogs etc, there is often little variety of what is showcased.

Speaking from personal experience of planning my own wedding in 2018 and 2019, I noticed virtually all companies had paperwork or forms that specified bride/groom, husband/wife, she/he everywhere. At the time I was still somewhat identifying as a cisgender woman, and marrying another cisgender woman, but I had started realizing that I may be non-binary, but was not quite sure. However, we were quickly frustrated at the realization that there were not even any options to write in two brides, two grooms, or even just two partners/spouses.

Remember to be Sensitive

When people are planning their wedding, or looking for family photos etc, they want to see that they are not an afterthought and they for sure don’t want to have to advocate for themselves, or out themselves.  By opting to have gender neutral language in your written communications you do not have to make people feel less than or “other”. This also gives them the chance to feel like they can self identify or invite you in (inviting in is starting to be used more rather than coming out).

How to Be an Ally in Your Site and Documents:

• Website and email:

  • In your “About me” section you can introduce yourself with your name and pronouns (it is so important that cisgender people can also share their pronouns so it is not only trans people disclosing theirs).
  • Avoid saying that you welcome, or photograph “same-sex” weddings and instead opt to say LGBTQ+ inclusive, etc. Though many mean well, same-sex is outdated. As you see in the terms section above, there are people that do not identify within the gender binary. Using “same-sex” also erases those who are trans, non-binary, bisexual, and intersex. This also erases those who are in a hetero-passing relationship (they “pass” as looking like a heterosexual couple). For example, my wife and I “pass” as looking like a traditional heterosexual couple. In terms of how we identify, that just doesn’t feel right, as we identify within the queer community.

• In contact forms, questionnaires, contracts:

  • Dedicated space for partner/spouse/client (instead of bride/groom)
  • Dedicated space for the OPTION of leave pronouns (do not require someone to leave their pronouns). This shows people that you want to be able to address them correctly and affirm them from the beginning.
  • Instead of using clunky language such as “he/she” in contracts and emails, opt to use just they/them instead.

• When speaking to people/groups (initially!):

  • When introducing yourself, you can offer your name and pronouns, and in turn ask theirs.
  • If you know someone’s pronoun and/or gender, use those pronouns.
  • If you do not know people’s pronouns, do not assume. Instead, try using neutral language such as everyone, y’all, guests, friends, attendees, etc.

*When leaving the option for pronouns or asking for someone’s pronouns, please do not ask for preferred pronouns (or names). This infers that these are merely choices, and not as valid. Also note that mandating that everyone share their pronouns may be uncomfortable as well. This is because some people may not be sure of their pronouns, may not feel comfortable in that space, or they feel it may “out” them. So, giving people choices is key.

Quieting Possible Fears about Allyship Through Language

I think some people may be fearful that this is in some way invalidating those who do identify within the binary, but I disagree. This is a way to honor everyone, and to offer people the chance to self identify from the beginning in a safer environment. This is what we should strive for as humans. You do not have to completely eliminate gendered terms from your vocabulary, though! There are queer/trans/cis folx who do want you to use binary pronouns or terms for them. Obviously, when you are not speaking specifically to someone whose pronouns or identity you know, you would not want to make them feel less than or other. If someone refers to themselves as a bride or groom, affirm their identity and use those words!

This may seem like a lot. Sometimes people worry that others will not understand about asking for pronouns, or even notice that we are using more inclusive language. However, for the people for whom it really truly matters, the effort will be seen and much appreciated. This is especially true when followed up in practice. 

Things to Remember About Allyship:

Just a few things to remember, because this can be a lot of information! This is totally understandable!

• Change is not easy! It takes time and practice. So, be kind to yourself and others (imperfect practice is okay!).

• If someone corrects you, it means they care enough to call attention to your mistake. Say thank you and work on it for next time.
• If you make a mistake, you do not have to call attention to it, or apologize profusely. You can simply apologize, correct it, and move on. I promise you, people will appreciate the latter!

Thank you for taking the time to read this article. Educating yourself on how to become an affirming person in people’s lives is important.  Reading articles like this one about allyship through learning and language is a great way to do that!

This article is part of a series of guest blogs by Rylan Earle-Lott of Rylan Lott Photography, LLC. The series is about being an LGBTQ ally, terms and language for inclusivity, posing, and finding an affirming vendor/planning an inclusive wedding.

About the Author

Rylan (he/they) is a NJ based trans-masculine educator and photographer. He strives to create beautiful imagery in a comfortable and inclusive environment for those he works with. He uses a photojournalistic approach to capturing images that tell the entire story of the day. This includes formal portraits to joyful candids and everything in between. 

Outside of their own photography career, Rylan is enthusiastic and positive about sharing their journey of both unlearning and learning throughout his transition. This has included speaking on state panels about LGBTQ protections in education, as well as leading professional development workshops on supporting those in the LGBTQ community. Rylan fervently believes we can improve our communities and our society by educating those that seek it. 

You can see more of Rylan’s work and blogs by visiting www.rylanlottphotography.com.